What I’d seriously like, no, what I’d seriously love, to change about myself, is the fact that I care too much. Way too much. About what? About everything, about nothing, I don’t know. — A fragment from my last blog post “If I could change one thing about myself what would it be?” Mr. Bon (who you already know by now if you’ve been following my blog posts) left a comment, “You'll need to define it more. I just don't believe it's about everything and nothing sounds too vague. I bet you can find patterns in those thoughts. That's the first step to inner peace.” I’m not as stubborn as you think Mr. Bon, I’ll listen to you this time. Confessions from a current approval addict: I’m plain. I’m short. My toes are too straight. My eyes are too big. My ears are too small. I must change my appearance. Maybe then you’ll care about me. I speak too much. I’m loud. I debate. I’m stubborn. I don’t listen. I must remain silent. Maybe then you’ll care about me. I overanalyse. I get anxiety. I think too much. I obsess. I create problems in my head. I have to “chill”. Maybe then you’ll care about me. I rely on reassurance. I ask too much. I have low self-esteem. I fake confidence. I must learn how to trust myself. Maybe then you’ll care about me. Thinking about the "Maybe then", that’s how I spend my life. I don’t really like myself— maybe you’ll do it for me? I don’t consider myself to be a loner or an outcast. In public, I feign confidence; I push back as many critical thoughts as possible. I put on a smile and laugh, like everyone else. The thing is, when I’m all-alone, at night, with no one besides me; when the dust settles, the thoughts start. That barrier I built earlier, turns out, it was of straw; the wolf blew it up in a huff, no puff needed. Critical thought rush in: “Why did I say that? What will they think of me now? I knew I shouldn’t have gone.” Little by little, they become more and more self-depreciating, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I so stupid? I’m not worth a dime.” I’m to blame. I take full responsibility of these thoughts— no one is coming up to me saying, “Hey, you’re not good enough. Change.” I’m the captain of my own mind; I set unrealistic and strict rules for myself. When I fail, I punish myself. Even when someone does say something mean, it’s still my fault. I should have control over what affects me and what doesn’t. But I don’t. I let others take me down a notch without thinking weather they’re right. Most times they’re just joking and I laugh, but I don’t laugh it off. It sticks inside me. I must change so and so, maybe then you’ll care about me. Maybe, if you would tell me I’m okay, if you’d confirm that I’m not as bad as I think I am, maybe... maybe then I’d like me. I know how and why I grew up with such insecurities. If I wanted, I could trace back the moments, which bit by bit, led me to question my value. But the how and the why behind my "self-torture" don't really matter. What really does matter, is how I must learn to tame, not destroy, just tame, these thoughts—I don’t think they’ll ever go away.
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I wouldn't. I wouldn't be able to pick one thing.
I guess it makes sense to start at the bottom, at my feet. I'd change my feet. According to my sister they look like hands— fingers are too straight. Moving on to my legs, I’d change these two along with my hips, cheeks, arms and ... Oh no, my baby size, I mean, new born, I mean, fetus size ears. My eyes. Come on papis! Why brown? The funny thing is, my mother told me when I was a baby, I had this huge, blue eyes. Not anymore mother, not anymore. Maybe I'm being a little too superficial here. It's actually quite interesting, how every change I naturally thought about was external. When I told Mr. Bon, my Innovation Academy teacher, I’d be writing about the “one thing I would change about myself” in this week’s blog post, he tapped me in the head suppressing a giggle and ran off. Mr. Bon, what did you mean by that? That I’m what? Stubborn? Cause I’m not. I’m simply determinate not to change my position in an argument unless fully convinced. I can live with the fact that I’m simply a little more committed than everyone else not to loose my stand. What I’d seriously like, no, what I’d seriously love to change about myself, is the fact that I care too much. Way too much. About what? About everything, about nothing, I don’t know. All I know, is my mind is never at rest. Sometimes at night, after hours of replaying conversations, recapping uncomfortable situations and coming up with a ton of responses I will never use, my body continues to push back sleep. As I readjust myself on bed, in my typical fetus position, I start to ponder: Would it be better not to care? Then I picture myself coming back to school like a completely different person. As a stranger with a new mindset, a new attitude– like that girl who no longer cares at all. Would it be better? Quite tempting actually. I wouldn’t overthink every. single. detail. I wouldn’t create problems and scenarios in my head that weren't even there in the first place. I admire how most of my friends are just so “chill” about things— whatever happens simply happens. I want that. People don’t understand how stressful it is to explain what’s going on in my head when I don’t even understand it myself. I want my brain to shut up; I want to stop feeling pressured. But I know shutting all emotions isn’t the answer. I've got to find a balance, between caring and well… not. If I did find this balance, maybe some of the physical changes I currently want wouldn’t matter anymore. Maybe my ears’ ultra small size wouldn’t bother me any longer. Maybe I wouldn’t give a damn about being stuck with this baby face. Maybe I’d fall asleep as soon as I closed my eyes. Maybe. How do I find this balance? I don't know yet. What I do know at the moment, is the answer to my initial question. If I could choose to change one thing about myself, it would be that imbalance between caring and well, not. |
Daniela Ontaneda16 year old Junior at Colegio Franklin Delano Roosevelt who's taking the IB diploma program. Archives
August 2017
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Future Blog Posts:
-Free to Learn by Peter Gray reflection
- If you could change someone's life - If you could change one thing about yourself - Should students be allowed to grade their teacher - What happens after death? - Are precognitions and deja vu different? - Mysteries of the mind - Mentalism - The positive of experiencing pain - What is existentialism -Impact of media on society |