What I’d seriously like, no, what I’d seriously love, to change about myself, is the fact that I care too much. Way too much. About what? About everything, about nothing, I don’t know. — A fragment from my last blog post “If I could change one thing about myself what would it be?” Mr. Bon (who you already know by now if you’ve been following my blog posts) left a comment, “You'll need to define it more. I just don't believe it's about everything and nothing sounds too vague. I bet you can find patterns in those thoughts. That's the first step to inner peace.” I’m not as stubborn as you think Mr. Bon, I’ll listen to you this time. Confessions from a current approval addict: I’m plain. I’m short. My toes are too straight. My eyes are too big. My ears are too small. I must change my appearance. Maybe then you’ll care about me. I speak too much. I’m loud. I debate. I’m stubborn. I don’t listen. I must remain silent. Maybe then you’ll care about me. I overanalyse. I get anxiety. I think too much. I obsess. I create problems in my head. I have to “chill”. Maybe then you’ll care about me. I rely on reassurance. I ask too much. I have low self-esteem. I fake confidence. I must learn how to trust myself. Maybe then you’ll care about me. Thinking about the "Maybe then", that’s how I spend my life. I don’t really like myself— maybe you’ll do it for me? I don’t consider myself to be a loner or an outcast. In public, I feign confidence; I push back as many critical thoughts as possible. I put on a smile and laugh, like everyone else. The thing is, when I’m all-alone, at night, with no one besides me; when the dust settles, the thoughts start. That barrier I built earlier, turns out, it was of straw; the wolf blew it up in a huff, no puff needed. Critical thought rush in: “Why did I say that? What will they think of me now? I knew I shouldn’t have gone.” Little by little, they become more and more self-depreciating, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I so stupid? I’m not worth a dime.” I’m to blame. I take full responsibility of these thoughts— no one is coming up to me saying, “Hey, you’re not good enough. Change.” I’m the captain of my own mind; I set unrealistic and strict rules for myself. When I fail, I punish myself. Even when someone does say something mean, it’s still my fault. I should have control over what affects me and what doesn’t. But I don’t. I let others take me down a notch without thinking weather they’re right. Most times they’re just joking and I laugh, but I don’t laugh it off. It sticks inside me. I must change so and so, maybe then you’ll care about me. Maybe, if you would tell me I’m okay, if you’d confirm that I’m not as bad as I think I am, maybe... maybe then I’d like me. I know how and why I grew up with such insecurities. If I wanted, I could trace back the moments, which bit by bit, led me to question my value. But the how and the why behind my "self-torture" don't really matter. What really does matter, is how I must learn to tame, not destroy, just tame, these thoughts—I don’t think they’ll ever go away.
3 Comments
Bon
10/2/2015 03:13:11 pm
Dani, you've produced a heartfelt post that encapsulates your fears and insecurities. We do a great job at hiding our insecurity not realizing that it'll eat us inside. You might think it's only you but in reality everyone has to fight those inner doubts. So it's great that you're being vulnerable enough to let it all out and reveal an intimate piece. It takes a lot of guts. PS: You've gotta watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
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7/28/2016 12:38:40 am
This is a very heartfelt and intense post you have shared. I know that I don't know you personally, but in the aspect of seeking approval, I feel like I know you since I see myself in these words you have posted. Perhaps the reason behind this goes way back to one's childhood. I watched in a video from before how the acknowledgement of parents is a very essential factor with our dissatisfaction with ourselves. I guess the best thing to learn now is to love yourself. I know it's easier said than done, but I am willing to take a stand today. Thank you again.
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Dharma
10/12/2015 03:07:47 pm
Dani! WOW! I loved reading this because I can relate to it so much. Sometimes we let people walk all over us and act like it doesn't hurt, but underneath we are just trying to hide under a veil. I loved how you started out naming those insecurities you have, because it let me connect more with what you were saying and understand you better. Maybe for next time though, you can be a bit more clear who the "you" in "maybe then you would.." is because that confused me a little bit. Overall, I loved this post. Great job! :)
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Daniela Ontaneda16 year old Junior at Colegio Franklin Delano Roosevelt who's taking the IB diploma program. Archives
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Future Blog Posts:
-Free to Learn by Peter Gray reflection
- If you could change someone's life - If you could change one thing about yourself - Should students be allowed to grade their teacher - What happens after death? - Are precognitions and deja vu different? - Mysteries of the mind - Mentalism - The positive of experiencing pain - What is existentialism -Impact of media on society |