Are you practicing comparison or judgment? Yup. Are you practicing blame or loathe? Affirmative. Or are you practicing compassion and love? . . . If your answers were opposite to mine (no, no, yes) , you’re in the right track. If they coincided, you’re... not. Your mental switch might be in need of some acute adjustments— or of a complete remake if you’re like me. Then and only then, will we be in the right track with those others. Last Wednesday, during my weekly session with my psychologist, Lucia, she asked me to recall the last time I was kind to myself. I couldn’t remember. I couldn’t remember ever being consciously kind to myself. I’m so used to having my inner critic berate me for every mistake I make, for every situation I mishandle or basically, for anything and everything that doesn’t go as I planned. I have my personal Simon Cowell* settled inside my head unfailingly judging away, never ceasing to disappoint. “If you spoke to your friends the way you speak to yourself, would they still be your friends?” A nervous snigger escaped my lips. This, I could answer. No sweats. “Of course they wouldn’t like me, they’d hate me”. Her unflinching facial expression revealed she wasn’t surprised. In fact, she expected this response, “Why do you say that?” This time, to mask my discomfort I let out an apathetic chuckle, “Because they wouldn’t appreciate my unremitting criticism. It’d be unpleasant to be around me. If I were them I wouldn’t like me either.” Change of topic. Lucia knows exactly when to stop prodding; she knows I’ll shut down if she doesn’t. Plus, I always come back the next session having meditated on our last chat. This time, after leaving, I kept on thinking about the reasons responsible for my self-depreciation; the whys behind my lack of self-compassion. And it all came down to expectations: My friends’ expectations, my teachers’ expectations, my parents’ expectations, but most importantly, my own expectations. I’ve always had this never-ending need to prove myself. My ego encourages me to continually try to exceed people’s expectations by making my own even higher. I accept nothing less. My entire self-worth is dependent on my achievement and on everyone else’s acceptance. So when I don’t have evidence of either of these to cling to, my self-worth vanishes. And there’s nothing easier than maintaining a negative opinion of myself. A lot of us, self-haters, are experts when it comes to sitting upon a throne of self-pity and disappointment. Sometimes, it even feels like it’s the only thing we’re sure we’re good at. Besides, it’s tempting to stay in this wormhole—in this I-don’t-measure-up black spiral—waiting for the day to come when someone will finally pull us out. The thing is, if we keep on waiting for someone to come, we’ll be stuck in here till we breathe our last. We’re actually in an I-don’t measure-up-to-myself black spiral. No one will ever be able to change our own expectations of ourselves. This change will gradually come the moment we let some self-love, self-respect and self-worth in. There’s a reason why these all start with “self”, we can’t find them in anyone else. We’ve got to change the way we treat ourselves, that’s where our heartache comes from. Easier said than done, I know. But we can start by following these two basic norms: 1) Take care of how you speak to yourself; you are always listening. Our self-talk habits, like the ones where we ask ourselves, “Why am I such an idiot?” should be replaced with questions exploring the circumstances of our mistakes. We must look for anything that can be taken as positive. Practicing this will help us reform our over the top expectations. 2) Stop labelling and judging others, even if you don’t say it aloud. Once we label someone, that’s how we’ll see and think of them regardless of the evidence showing us otherwise—It’s the same with us. Stopping this will help us create an awareness of how labels limit our thinking. Who knows, maybe being less judgmental towards others will help us do the same towards ourselves. “What are you practicing”, is maybe the bravest of questions. It brought me face to face with the complicated emotional situation I’ve been in for quite some time now. It made me ask myself all questions I’d been holding back. It gave me answers, which only led to more and more questions making my walls crack a bit. And I’m starting to think that perhaps some compassion might’ve squeezed through. *Simon Cowell, English reality television judge.
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“The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.” ~Jimmy Johnson
While searching for a top university summer program to attend next summer, for about a second, I allowed myself to muse on the idea of studying in one these. Being the over achieving student that I am, It’s always been in the back of my head, either consciously or not. But being the pessimistic person I wish I wasn’t, I’ve tried to shove this idea out of my mind to avoid the disappointment I knew it’d eventually lead to. This time I couldn’t. I googled “How to get into an Ivy League college” just because, and clicked on the third option: “How to Get into Harvard and the Ivy League, by Harvard Alum”. Let me start of by saying that no, I do not intend on going to Harvard; it’s never been something I’ve aspired for—not that I’d ever get accepted anyhow. I clicked on this report because of the fact that an alumnus wrote it. Someone who did not only get into a 5.9% admission rate university, but who’s got an inside on the dynamics of college admissions. Turns out Allen Cheng, the author, didn’t only get into Harvard; he got accepted into every single school he applied to, including Princeton, MIT, and Stanford. One could say he’s got this admissions thing down pad. And so can he. Allen claims he wrote “the most comprehensive guide to getting into top schools [that he’s] ever seen.” His guide does not consist of the typical generic and vague advice we’re given by people who’ve never gained admissions to these schools themselves; it explains in detail what it is these colleges are really looking for in our application. Cheng busts the myths of what most people think admission officers want. My main takeaway: We, students, are spending our time on completely the wrong things; we’ve been fed mistaken information of what top colleges are looking for. Colleges search for two types of students: Those who’ll accomplish world-changing things and those who’ll contribute positively to the community while in college. How is it they determine if we’re one of these two types of students? By following the golden rule: “The best predictor of future achievement is past achievement.” In the school’s eyes, deep attainment while in high school is an indicator of our capability of achievement for the future. The purpose of our application is to convince the admission officers that based on our accomplishments so far, we’re going to continue succeeding and thriving while in and after college. The most repeated mistake we, students aiming for top colleges, continue to make, is trying to be “well-rounded”—trying to prove competency in every skill. We’ll play a varsity sport, aim for straight A’s and top test scores, volunteer for hours of community and service, while forming part of some clubs. By doing all of this, we’re demonstrating how we can do everything we set our minds to pretty well and therefore indicating future success right? Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Colleges like Yale and MIT don’t see it this way; they see it as students who do nothing particularly well. Well-rounded students are not team captains of a national ranking soccer team, or heads of a statewide club, nor nationally published writers. We are jack-of-all-trades, master of none. Simply “mediocre at everything” and colleges know mediocre people won’t end up changing the world. The real question is what does it really take to make a difference in the world? It takes focus. Relentless focus. Think of it this way, if your head is not 100% in the game, don’t expect to accomplish anywhere nearly as much as someone who’s head is. We must remember schools appreciate commitment above anything. What they genuinely care about is our capacity for success; not necessarily what particular field we achieve success in. Princeton’s admission office divulged, "We are interested in the talents and interests you would bring to Princeton outside the classroom. We don't value one type of activity over another. Rather, we appreciate sustained commitment to the interests you have chosen to pursue.” We must prove that we’re capable of deep accomplishment in our field of choice; we must demonstrate we are world class in something we care deeply about. Allen Cheng talked to admission officers himself and witnessed Harvard discussions. He found it incredibly shocking how random admissions for a marginal acceptance could be; how admission officers often go “by gut”. Something in your application can either pique their interest or give them a bad taste. Forget well rounded, we must seek to develop a huge spike—what sets us apart from other applicants. It’ll take time, effort, discipline and passion. Ideally, our spike is what can make us world-class. We must not let the fear of our own limitations hold us back into complacency. When developing our spike, it’s okay to be unbalanced. Colleges care most about whether we achieve something great in our lifetime, by proving that we can do so in our area of interest, colleges care less if we fall short elsewhere. Now, we can’t totally fail in the rest of our application, we also need generally strong academics—colleges want to make sure we can survive smoothly without much trouble. Our application’s job is to support the story around our spike. Every piece of our application should be consistent with this story. If we’re passionate but have not shown achievement, Stanford will take a person who is similarly as passionate and has shown deep achievement. Every. Single. Time. The deeper we dive into our spike, the more we compensate for our weak links. The shallower we go, the more we have to compensate by being well rounded and the more well rounded we are, the deeper we fall into the crapshoot. |
Daniela Ontaneda16 year old Junior at Colegio Franklin Delano Roosevelt who's taking the IB diploma program. Archives
August 2017
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Future Blog Posts:
-Free to Learn by Peter Gray reflection
- If you could change someone's life - If you could change one thing about yourself - Should students be allowed to grade their teacher - What happens after death? - Are precognitions and deja vu different? - Mysteries of the mind - Mentalism - The positive of experiencing pain - What is existentialism -Impact of media on society |