Footsteps got louder and creaked closer behind me; convinced it was a hallucination, I kept my pace. Heavy footsteps sped up. I turned into the road half jogging to get away. Just when I decided it was a figment of my imagination, two mammoth hands clasped me from behind, pulling me towards a strong, towering body. I couldn’t think straight—quivering unremittingly, panic took over my body. With my hands bound together, what could I do? Scream. But when I tried, nothing came out; not one sole note. No matter how hard I struggled, how hard I kicked or how hard I screamed, no one noticed. And then I woke up.
You think I’m making this up right? How could I possibly remember such details when it’s rare enough to remember a dream itself! I guess it’s easier when it’s what you’ve woken up to multiple times a week for the past month or so. For some reason the context and setting always vary— I might be escaping someone, running from someplace, or undergoing an open heart surgery where the anaesthesia didn’t work; but in every single one of these dreams, no sound comes out when I scream; in all of these I’m overwhelmed by a sense of what I can only call… loneliness. Does this mean something? Is it my subconscious trying to reach me? Am I being oblivious? Probably. It may indicate my sense of frustration and helplessness; that feeling that no matter how hard I try, no one will ever really and truly hear me. It may also be suggesting that I’m currently holding back some true feelings or expression because I don’t actually want someone to hear, because I don’t want to need help. So even though my insides are screaming, as cheesy as it sounds, for someone to save me, I’m acting in waking life as if all is fine. But why am I feeling this way? These dreams are not telling me enough! When exactly is it I feel like this? Why? Two weeks ago, I had another nightmare, completely different, yet still relatable. The doctor diagnosed me with terminal cancer; I’d still have to undergo chemotherapy and thirteen different surgeries (I know, my dreams are somewhat tragic). I wasn’t planning on telling anyone, but at school I couldn’t hold it in any longer and confided in a friend (I’ll keep names anonymous). She actually laughed, right at my face— I know right? Mean child of God. Before I could stop her, without hesitation she whispered in another friend’s ear what I just intimately confessed, as if it was another piece of gossip to talk about. Then they both laughed. The dream went on and on following this same course. It’s almost self-explanatory, at least for me. I have an amazing group of friends, all different yet still equally as great. For reasons unknown, I still don’t have this one friend to fully and completely trust in, to hold my back no matter what, to be there for me when I most need it and most importantly, to genuinely care. Actually, I’m lying; I do know why I can’t find this 'one friend'. I guess I’ve always known but have tried to deny it for as long as I can remember. I guess it’s always been my fault. I think it all comes down to trust. I’m very, very, very reserved as to whom I can confide in; It's as if I don’t feel, I don’t know… safe or comfortable, telling my issues or whatever, to others. Why would someone else want to hear about what’s going on with me? They have their own things to worry about. They’ll probably think I’m a burden; that I’m trying to call attention? Or maybe they’ll judge, or gossip. I don’t know. What I do know is that I’ve taken the first step towards mending these loathsome sensations--recognising my problem—at least it’s a start.
3 Comments
Bon
8/20/2015 11:35:17 pm
Dani, sometimes we can feel lonely in the most crowded rooms. Many of us have been there. So what makes us feel that way? It could be indeed that you're not taking the time to open up and trust others, and that might make you feel isolated. You've got to stay attuned to people. Look for a friend with whom you might build that type of relationship with. Do not underestimate those quiet ones. They could be going through the same motions, just like you.
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Ines
8/21/2015 12:25:24 am
I really like the style of writing that you used in this blog post; it was informal yet understandable, and your ideas flowed nicely. I also think that the topic you chose is very interesting. It's normal to be afraid to open up to someone and to want to keep things to yourself; I struggle with it too. But knowing that you have someone that you trust and can tell anything to makes you –or at least makes me– feel safe. If your friends trust you with their problems, why can't you trust them with yours?
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Ines
8/28/2015 04:07:23 am
A continuation of my first comment:
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Daniela Ontaneda16 year old Junior at Colegio Franklin Delano Roosevelt who's taking the IB diploma program. Archives
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Future Blog Posts:
-Free to Learn by Peter Gray reflection
- If you could change someone's life - If you could change one thing about yourself - Should students be allowed to grade their teacher - What happens after death? - Are precognitions and deja vu different? - Mysteries of the mind - Mentalism - The positive of experiencing pain - What is existentialism -Impact of media on society |